Faith

Some recent bars: 'FAITH'

Quitting aint in my bones
But i am a finisher demolishing all obstacles
looking to the hills for my help clear eyes, yea ya girl is optical
With Christ all things are possible
don't believe me just ask the impossible
Its the evidence of the mighty throne
At times my body hurts, other times i'm fighting myself not to play church
And watch my words, so speak in love n not hurt
faith like a mustard see can do big things
mountains moving, in the valley of victory
of living water came when i fell to my knees
hope feed me and faith leads my feet
check out my vocabulary theres no defeat
worshiping in all phases, the enemy is asking for relief
praise God for peace in the midst of unbelief.....


just some words from the heart!!!!
Dusting off the old BLOG :-)
Shepherdess

WHO WILL PRAY???

Who will pray for the child who is afraid?
For the mother who doesn't know how?
And the dad who's lost because of the child he can not see?
Who will pray for the grandmother who wonders if she's valued?
Or for the pastor who's fighting for his sheep?
Who will pray for the young boy who has the weight of the world on his shoulders?
And the dude on the block?
That lady who had that abortion?
Who will pray for the land?
Who will pray for the obese?
The ones who don't like their husband/wife?
The college student with no money?
The orpan?
The abused? The confused? and misused?
The addicts? those involved in trafficing?
Who will pray for the homeless?
The homosexuals?
Those who are ill and sick to the bone?
What about those who sniff paint?
Those in all kinds of chains?
WHERE MY INTERCESSORS AT?
Those locked up in porn?
The depressed? And suicidal?
The cutters?
The emo's?
Who will pray for those who were raped?
For the man who feels like he can't provide?
WHO will pray? WILL YOU...?

YOU THINK YOU KNOW...

Me in '06

THEY ALL SCREAM ‘LET’S DRESS UP SHAY’

YAYYY LIKE SOME REAL LIFE GAME WE CAN CHANGE HER WAYS…ITS SUNDAY

C’MON, HAIR, AND A NEW SHIRT, NAH TUCK IT IN, I THINK THAT THIS WILL WORK

THEY ALL SCREAM ‘LET’S DRESS UP SHAY’

I MEAN OKAY WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL…SOME PEOPLE WHO CARED ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO HELP ME

BUT WERE THEY REALLY HELPING? THEY TOOK AN ISSUE OF SIN AND REJECTION AND PUT MAKE UP ON IT

HOW CAN SOMEONE TAKE A DEAD BODY AND PUT AN ALARM CLOCK ON MY HEAD AND MAD AT ME BECAUSE I AM STILL DEAD?

LIKE MORTICIANS PUTTING MAKE UP ON MY FACE, STIFFENING MY POSTURE, TO FIT A RELIGIOUS BOX, ALL TO COVER THE STENCH FROM MY DEATH

THE FOULNESS OF MY BREATH, *GASPING FOR BREATH, RASPING IS WHATS LEFT’

THEY TRIED TO SAVE ME AND RECOGNIZED I NEEDED DELIVERANCE

SO FOCUSED ON PUTTING ME IN A DRESS WHILE I WAS BEING EATEN BY LOCUSTS

AND I WHISPERED LIFELESS…’CAN SOME ONE PLEASE COME HELP ME? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE RESCUE ME?’

TRUTH WAS I DIDN’T HATE THE DRESSES, I HATED THE MESSAGE, I HAD TO COVER UP CUZ THAT DUDE HE KEPT ON MESSING

KEPT ON TOUCHING, SMILING AND GIGGLING, IT WAS DISGUSTING

THINGS WERE GETTING CRAZY SO  I WORE EXTRA BAGGY JEANS, AND SHIRTS THAT COVERED MY CHEST, AND TRIED TO BECOME UNATTRACTIVE LIKE HIM, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT MOVES WAS NEXT

SO YOU SEE, I DIDN’T WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL I LOVED BEING UGLY

ESPECIALLY IF THAT MEANT THAT HE WOULD STOP ASKING TO WATCH PORN WITH ME

ALL BEFORE HIGH SCHOOL,

THEY ALL SCREAM ‘LET’S DRESS UP SHAY’

YAYYY LIKE SOME REAL LIFE GAME WE CAN CHANGE HER WAYS…ITS SUNDAY

C’MON, HAIR, AND A NEW SHIRT, NAH TUCK IT IN, I THINK THAT THIS WILL WORK

THEY ALL SCREAM ‘LET’S DRESS UP SHAY’

LET ME TELL MY FATHER QUICK! BUT WAIT HE LEFT BEFORE I COULD EVEN SIT-UP ON MY OWN

THE BIGGEST THING THAT HE KEPT ON GIVING ME WAS REJECTION

I’M THE BLASTED SEED OF DEPRESSION, I’M OBESSED WITH A FACELESS MAN THAT MY MOM SLEPT WITH

MY DRESS WAS THE EXPRESSION OR MANIFESTATION OF CONCEPTION WITHOUT COMMITMENT

MISFIT WITH A DARK COMPLEXION, I LOOK AND I SEE YOU, INFECTED,

SEE I WAS BORN -STILL WITH MY MOTHER, STILL BORN TO ANOTHER

SO I WOULD STEAL TO BE BORN AGAIN, SEEKING THE LOVE FROM MY FATHER.............

When I came across this picture about a month ago I was shocked! I looked sooooo different! At first i was like 'jeez Shay' but i love this picture because it shows how good God is. That me back then was going so hard after God because I wanted to look like Him, glorious, beautiful. I was seeking hard after God and most are surprised at his picture because they didn't know me then, but when I say God is good, i don't say that as a pop phrase. He is! I shared a portion of a poem that I wrote called 'Dress Up Shay' because their are more women out there like me. Who looked like i did and may not feel they will ever get out of 'that' way of dress or thinking but I'm a witness. I declare that God can change you from the inside out. I pray this encourages someone....

That old me is dead, gone, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made!

Love love,

Shepherdess

www.shepherdess33.bandcamp.com

~To Blog Or Not To Blog~

So it’s been a while….[blows dust off blog> Let’s jump right in……!!!

{Dramatic theme music, pushes ‘rain’ button} I MET A GUY. He was saved, good looking, focused, funny, and single. Not only that, he liked me and I liked him too. It went from calling to ‘check on ya’ to texting/talking every day. It was cool for me because I was myself with him and he sparked up a lot of the things. After a couple of months social networks were a zone for us to joke around and send cute messages to each other [aww ain’t that sweet] lol!!!!! He doesn’t live in my state so as time passed we discussed physically seeing each other and it was settled he would come to me.

FAST FORWARD….Everything had been going great…morning talks, goodnight texts, pet names (he called me cupcake cuz I’m small and filled with goodness. Lol…he made it up lol). It was about a month before he was to visit so of course, as a female, I went into planning mode. We didn’t want to do anything expensive expensive but as he said, ‘I don’t care as long as I’m with you hun’. So that month I had military training, which means busy business for me. I called him to let him know I made it home from training-2 hr ride. He didn’t answer (no biggie). Monday morning I didn’t get my good morning/have a great day text (kinda weird). Monday night I called, again no answer (o_O). Tuesday nothing. Wednesday I sent him a text (no response). Friday-Monday nothing. It felt strange talking to someone every day for months them BAM no contact {I was confused and disappointed]. He was a stickler for communication and he broke his own rule. What’s a girl to do???

The next Tuesday I texted him that I was calling and we need to talk. He said ‘ok’.  SIDEBAR: I WAS STUPID NERVOUS AND A PART OF ME DIDN’T WANT TO CALL BUT SOMETHING IN ME NEEDED TO. SIGH. I’m not going to give every single detail of the conversation but here’s a summary. He was scared. Said he didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t say much but he apologized. The thing that got me was when I asked him when he sees me or thinks of me does he think of his girl or some ol usher at his church-he said his girl. So yeah….I was confused much????I teared up…really I did. Surprised me lol. I was UPSET not because of what he wanted but because of how he handled this. Basically I said don’t contact me at all. DO NOT. I will contact you when I’m ready (Mind you he sooooo broke that request.)

***CAUTION***TRANSPARENT TRUTH***EXTREME REALNESS****proceed with caution if you’re funny acting J lol

how i coped lol. sad but true! haha! slight exaggeration 

my expression through it all...

IT TOOK ALL OF THE HOLY SPIRIT AND THE THOUGHT OF COMMUNION WAFERS NOT TO ACT LIKE ‘SISTA GIRL FROM ROUND THE WAY’……I mean this is Shavra. I’m a queen. You can treat them other women like that but ME, ME! NO SIR….<-----that didn’t happen! Praise God. During that Tuesday conversations my thoughts were: WHAT??? If you didn’t want a relationship why did you say you wanted more? Why did you mention you wanted to see me? Why the ‘cupcake’ness? Why the I can’t wait to see you? Oh and his favorite ‘where have you been all my life?’ I didn’t ask you to do any of this and now you’re scared. Ughh dude for real.  You could’ve told me this back in the fall when we met. And he ‘just wanted to be friends’….FRIENDS. IS THERE LIKE SOME SWITCH FOR THAT?! I DON’T HAVE THAT…. 

I was hurt you guys. I feel like I didn’t deserve any of this. It would’ve been different if I did ask for it. ‘Please lead me along, tell me you’re going to visit, and then ALL of a sudden don’t.’ My heart was not OKAY. I believed him. I believed he was a man of his word. I believed his character was good. My mind knew his routine…what time he went to work(and the fact that he would call me and probably wasn’t even dressed and had to be there in 40 mins), what he liked for breakfast, when he worked out, when he got off, when when when when when…blah blah b-lahhhhhhh. No my mind automatically looked at the clock when he got off because he always texted me. ALWAYS. Now that’s all gone. How is my mind supposed to transition from this? 

THIS SUCKSSSSSSSS!!! THIS SUCKSSSSSSSS!!!! GOD THIS SUCKSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! L !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I trusted him….turns out I shouldn’t have.

So HERE I AM TODAY…I’m good. Now the key to this blog. Well let me do some disclaimers:

#1-I left out things on purpose cuz most people just nosey. So if you have comments about what he or I should’ve done, it’s not needed J

#2-Don’t ask me who he is….!

#3-I’m not the hurt/angry black woman from a Tyler Perry film. Lol. Life goes on without him….

Alright, why did I write this? Because there are many out there like me. I feel ya fam! I wrote because now I have a greater compassion for those who just caught a bad deal. I tweet/fb from a real place. I write because some think I don’t have feelings or something lol. Many people don’t see this side of me so here ya go!!! I am glad I was hurt by him…why?! Maybe he can grow up from his mistakes and the girl he chooses to be with won’t be hurt by this. I don’t want my sister to deal with the lies and indecisiveness. My hurt will lead to her happiness. I’m glad. 

Thank the Lord for never leaving me or forsaking me. Thank you for comfort. Thank you Lord because you know. Thank you friends for putting up with my sadness and disappointment. Thank you Lord!!!

THE END.COM #LIGHTSout

#Random: i missed my dad during this time. just wished he was around...

CONQUER

CONQUER

MY FLESH CRAVES HONOR AND SEEKS TO DISHONOR

BUT MY FLESH AND BLOOD FAILED ME I NEEDED A BLOOD DONOR

KILL THAT IN ME THAT LOVES TO WANDER MENTALLY

AND SQUANDER THE SQUANDERER THE HIDES UNDER INSECURITIES

OVER ALL THESE I CONQUER, I CONQUER, CONQUER

SIEZE MY FLESH, PLACE IT UNDER ARREST, CHAIN ‘EM

THROW AWAY THE KEY TO DISEASES THAT ARE STRAINING MY PROGRESSION

BECAUSE OF BITTERNESS ROOTED IN REJECTION AND SPIRITUAL RECESSIONS,

MY BLESSING IS DELIVERANCE AND LOOKING MORE LIKE MY FATHER

OVER ALL THESE I CONQUER, I CONQUER, CONQUER

AND WHY AT TIMES DO I LOVE MY FUTURE HUSBAND MORE THAN MY ETERNAL MATE?

CRUCIFY THIS MINDSET, ONLY YOU WONT FORSAKE,

DAYDREAMING OF MY MATE? BUT CAN’T MEDITATE

THIS DISGUSTS ME, THAT I WANT TO EAT OF THIS PLATE, WAITER? CHECK PLEASE

MY OWN RIDICULOUSNESS WON’T INFEST ME, CHECKMATE  MY FLESH CUZ I’M A SINGLE MESS

OVER ALL THESE I CONQUER, I CONQUER, CONQUER

BUT HOW? BECAUSE OF THE ONE WHO PREVAILed

THROUGH 3 NAILS, TORN VEIL NOW I CAN SLEEP WELL

HE WAS PRE, BEFORE, ANY OTHER god AVAILED

SOME WONT GET THIS CUZ MOST RHYMERS ON SOME OL POST-TELL THEN THEY GO TELL!

THEY RUNNING BEHIND THE WORLDS COAT TAILS AND  CULTURE AND GO TELL

KINGDOM PRIEST WE PRE-TELL, WHAT HAPPENS IN THE HEAVENLIES SO THAT THE WORLD WILL SEEK THE WELL

THAT WON’T RUN DRY, EVERY DAY MY FLESH DIES,

SUBMITS TO THE MASTER, NO MORE BEING CRAFTY

CUZ CHRIST COMING FOR A BRIDE WITH NO ACNE

PAUSE……AND PONDER….

 OVER ALL THESE I CONQUER, I CONQUER, CONQUER

I SERVE THE GREATEST WONDER, HE TRIUMPHS OVER ALL, THE JAW DROPPER,

I CALL HIM THE SHOCK AND AWE, SOME WONDER…

HOW CAN ONE BE THE MOST FAMOUS WHEN HE DIDN’T COME IN HIS OWN NAME BUT THE NAME OF THE FATHER?

MY FLESH WILL HONOR YOU, YESHUA, YOUR HONOR

...i just felt like writing....

Shepherdess

NO-SALT SEASONINGS!

So last night I went to sleep about 1am wayyyy to early so of course so I began to think about 'seasonal relationships'. I'm basically sharing my thoughts so here I go lol. Often on social networks I hear people, and even myself, say some friends are 'seasonal'. I agree to a certain extent. At the same time during some of those friendships the parties involved make a covenant with each other. As I am growing more I'm understanding how serious covenant is to God. It's not something that is easily broken or dismissed. So what am I saying? I'm saying that we say things like 'that was a seasonal friendship, God had to remove her/him from my life'. Are we really saying that 'I can't deal with this person' 'I give up on them' 'She/he is not loveable so I'm out'??? Are we covering up the fact that we lack real, true, faithful, loyal, 'through different types of weather' endurance? Are we covering up the fact that we don't know how to love??? When something/someone doesn't look like the love that is pictured in our life are we just 'covering it up' by saying....'It's okay God for me to leave this friendship/covenant because it is seasonal'?

Really think about it? We didn't leave that person when we needed them! When our marriage was in trouble, when our self esteem was low, when we doubted our purpose, when freaking was more satisfying than worship, when we didn't have a job, when we needed prayer, when no one understood, when our children didn't act like they knew God, when you doubted you could provide, when mustard seed faith was only a hope!!!! We didn't say those friends were seasonal when we needed what they had to offer!!!! Were they seasonal when we needed prayer and they did just that??

Now that some of use have got a little bit of our purpose, the kids are alright, the children are calling, the job said 'yes', we get spirit filled, got a lil money, marriage is fresh, your prayer life is pretty good, etc etc now that same friend who labored in the spirit is now 'SEASONAL'??? I don't know. Sounds a 'wishy washy' to me. Now that their character, attitude, and or behavior may not be 'Christ-like' they are a hinderance. o_O They're all of a sudden 'seasonal'. *shrugs* Maybe we're seasonal...in and out of peoples lives. Maybe we're not consistent. Maybe we don't know how to love consistently through all seasons. Just maybe!

We must build relationship that have salt in them! That can be preserved and endure. Something that doesn't loose its flavor! Time out for 'no salt seasonal' relationship. Because so many of our relationships/friendships don't have any salt-when it begins to taste bland and ordinary we blame God like 'well you know some people just can't go with me to the next level' and that's kinda true but are you the reason that they can't go? Did you break covenant with them? How do you know if you broke covenant? If the other person didn't know they were seasonal. In the natural if you want to end an agreement with a company prematurely you must let them know but that doesn't mean there won't be additional fees. Some of what we call 'seasonal' is us breaking covenant prematurely because we don't understand how to love.

This what I was meditating on at 5am this morning....yeah exactly!!!!!!!! I didn't do a exegesis of every thought I shared...I'm just simply sharing :). Hopefully this will help a bit.
Blogtastically,
Shepherdess

'Another Letter To My Dad'

Hey Dad :-),

I missed you this past week. Most people say I'm strong, and I may be, but a baby girl still loves her father. That's funny to me because I've don't even know you. I had many moments when I wished all I had was your shoulder to cry on. Yes, many tears were shed last week.

Finals are coming up and this semester has been hard with work, school, ministry, military, music, friends, and family---oh and myself lol. Plus last week was one of those times where being single got on my nerves. It was okay okay eventually. I have great friends who love me.

Though I missed you, trust I rested in God and He provided great comfort and faith. God, Abba Father told me He was with me, that He loves me when others reject me, that I'm a rare diamond that He designed beautifully, that even though I've been single for almost 8 years my value is great in Him, and that His plans are for me to prosper. I hope you're doing okay though. I really hope you're taking care of my siblings because I'm well.

Until next time, Ciao
Your Baby Girl